Angelic Musings
by MemoryandDream

Angelic Musings...

Long overdue in compiling, this for the moment, will be a random collection of thoughts, ideas and beliefs on what the terms "angel," "angelic," and related mean to me and where I fit in the midst of such terms.

First off. There's a personal reason for my interest in such topics. Since as far back as I could remember I knew that I was connected in some bigger way then could be explained to what I call the Divine. The Divine is not a religion, nor any specified face of god, but rather, the notion of the overriding, whole and complete One for which the entirety of existence is composed. Everything that was, is, or will be is part of the Whole and that wholeness is the Divine. I refer to the the Divine in a feminine manner simply because it's easiest for me to personify Her as a Mother figure. Though I don't make claim that it's the only correct way to view such, nor that there even is only one way. The Divine by it's very nature is something which can not be properly or fully understood by those of man. To do so would require being a "god" oneself. As such, I hold that all of our views - faiths, religions and ideas - are mere aspects and portions of the Divine, given to us as ways to explain that which can not be explained. All are as true and valid as the next though none is more correct then the last.

I find that explaining the concept of the Divine is often difficult. As such, it's often easiest to use metaphor and analogy to get the idea across. Think of everything that is - everything everywhere - as a Song. The Song itself is the Divine. Each of us are small notes within. No note is right or wrong and no expression of that note is any better or worse then any other. It takes all the notes - major, minor, in tune and off beat - to make the Song what it is. Some facets of existence are more then just a song. They're a bridge or a harmony. They help carry the notes along and keep them flowing in the loose pattern of the music.

Back to the personal side for a moment. As a child, I didn't know that I was different because I didn't know what was normal. I just knew that I could communicate with Nature and the different elements and that I felt a profound connection to the world around me. But it changed as I grew up. I went into a Catholic school for three years because of the sad state of affairs in the public ones. I knew, even at the young age of seven, that this wasn't right for me; that my face of god as it were, was much different and much more open then theirs. But it also hurt me in some ways. It made me feel very isolated because I just couldn't agree with what was being taught to me; I remembered and felt there was more and that things they said just weren't true.

As I came out of elementary school, I lost some of that ease of connection. I put my childhood "fantasy" behind. And I became rather bitter towards religion and faith overall. It seemed such a waste and such a loss that I grew to be almost atheist about it. Though that's not exactly accurate as I came to recall more about who I was - and more specifically, who and what I used to be.

Over the years, I've remembered much more. Though even as a child I was drawn to imagery of angels and related. Winged things fascinated me and I had a deep longing for the sky in a way which went beyond the normal daydreams of humanity. I could remember the feel of air and wind; could hear the sky call to me and wonder why I did not answer. I kept this mostly to myself and expressed it only in poetry and random writings passed off as fiction. Though in my heart I knew they held grains of wisdom. Back then though, it didn't make a lot of sense. All I really knew was that there was in fact a "god" but one, I felt, that had forsaken me. I recalled a time where I was different from what I was now; and the mortality and pain and abandonment hurt me deeply. So deeply that I raged against god and faith for years. I felt that if it turned it's back on me, then I would do so in kind.

But then a funny thing happened. My feelings of being lost slowly turned into feelings of change. That rather then being fallen, I was simply on a different path and for a different reason. And I stopped being alone. Things were different to say the least. This life and this body and this world were things I had no knowledge of. My memories were old and fragmented and representative of a world wholly unlike that which I found myself in. Though when I looked, I realized that I was still connected; that I was not thrown out into the cold, but rather, awakened from a long Sleep to fill some duty in the here and now.

All this brings us to where I am at this point and why I am writing this. What started this change and put me on this path some ten plus years ago now was a re-emergence of memory. The memory of times long past and the background story of how I came to be where I am now.

I go into greater detail in another article I wrote, but I'll sum the concept here. (I do suggest reading The Break article though for more emotion and detail.) At the beginning everything was One. And then one day, the Divine created Creation. Suddenly, we were each separate and unique - though each carrying a core piece of the Divine that gave us form and animated us. The Divine Essence which gave life. I call those of us who were there at the dawn, the First. It avoids specific religious views and doesn't get into words tainted by dogma. The First oversaw this new process of life. The domino chain had been placed and the process speed off into glorious possibility. 

In time, there was man. And for man, we were the bridge. This is where the terms get intertwined and why so many cling to ones like "angel" despite how inaccurate it truly is. Those like myself were the connection between the Divine and Creation. We were Her Voice. We taught, we gave, we nurtured. In some places, we were called gods; in others spirits; in still others messengers. We took the form given to us for we were of thought and the dream stuff of the Divine. The first communication was an aspect of the great Song of existence. Mankind made music in order to mimic that harmony and beauty. Thought created reality and the world was a place of possibility.

But it was not to last. Mankind, like all life, contains within a piece of that Divine spark. The Divine is within all life and all life is part of the Divine. As such, man had the ability to create. First it was through imagination and dream - making something from nothing. This is still seen in our modern world and echoes to the heritage and origins of life. Later though, man realized that if they were as god and they had the ability to create, that they no longer needed god. The world Broke. The bridges and connections and flow between the realms of the Divine (and thereby the First) and creation (and thereby Mankind) came apart. Torn asunder perhaps never to be whole again. When this happened, the free-flow and exchange became impossible. And those on the side of creation at the time of the Break were locked out and lost. Being severed so immediately and permanently was too much for the First to survive. For they were the embodiment of the Divine and their very being was tied to that connection. Without it, there was nothing to animate them. They fell from the sky and crashed, to do the unthinkable - die on the earth which once was their greatest joy.

Many believe there was a war in the heavens. They hark back to the teachings of relatively new religions and doctrines. I don't believe in any such war for I have no memory of any such. It was not a fight among the First, nor between the First and the Divine. It was an arrogance and ignorance of mankind, too big for it's britches and too foolish to realize the consequences of it's actions. Eventually, things fell apart and the harmony gained was lost. The great ancient civilizations fell and their descendants - what is now thought to be the Ancients such as Egyptians and Mayans to name but a few - retained bare fragments of the knowledge once common. Humanity was forced to begin again as they stumbled blindly through the dark. They opted to make their own path - a choice they were entitled to make, for if nothing else, all life does indeed have "free will" - rather then walk the one laid out for them by the Divine. They still, have never caught up and instead have moved in a very different direction. Very fragmented and lost as they wander aimlessly. Humanity is very damaged and it seeks something it doesn't even remember what it lost. That loss is the connection to the Divine and the death of the First.

Though this death was not a true death. The Divine is eternal and so are Her aspects and Voices. Through so many millennia that time loses all meaning, I Slept. I have odd snippets from this time - like dreams you only remember the colors or the sounds but not the details. Sometimes I just Know something from the past that would be impossible to know. But it's very little and not enough to prepare for what came next.

Being born. Human in body and mind, but still...myself in spirit and soul. Which brings us full circle to where this began. And to why I felt the need to compile even some of it into form.

Onto some random thoughts and answers to imaginary (though I assumed wondered) questions...

What is an angel? What's an angelkin?
I don't really use those words. Simply because they carry too much inferred meaning. I get into how I view such terms in The Nature of Incarnation: A Look at Angelic Beings.

What about religion? Which one is right? Does this mean it's a christian thing?
First off, there is no right religion. They're all groping towards that which they lost so long ago they don't even remember that they should be looking for it. In addition, all faiths are merely ways of personifying and understanding that which by definition can not actually be understood nor defined. And no, one need not feel that they are angelic only if they are christian. It's not about mankind's religions. Such things came much, much later and way after the Break.

How many were there? What were their jobs? Their names? Their look? Communication....etc. etc.
I recall it thusly. The First came, well, first. And oversaw the new creation. I feel that in many cultures, traces of us are still aspected in ancient myths and legends of different deities. Not that the First were gods per se, but that from mankind's viewpoint they may have been explained in that manner. Even honored or named in that way. There was no "correct" form for such a being. Stories which relate specific characteristics are simply either that one person's point of view or imagination. The First were what they needed to be, though I do believe that we held domination over both land and sky - giving rise to the most common association, wings. As for names...this gets into communication and language. And I must state that such beings were not physical in the way humanity understands it. As such, there was not a basis for physical communication in any way that it's now known. Which brings us to...

Song and Music
Long before man mimicked the celestial music and then later turned it into speech, the First and the Divine communicated in ways that can't be explained. Think of the music you know. Now imagine that it is but the smallest sliver of what music, in it's entirety, is. Imagine that there are notes and sounds and harmonies that you've never dreamed. That begins to come close to communication between such beings. So to ask for a name is asking for something which can't be converted. The First existed in a way which humanity can't. It would be like asking a 2-D being to understand the concept of the third dimension. It's so far outside the scope of understanding as to be rendered lost.

Music is vital to me. I feel it in my body in ways that are hard to put into words. I surround myself with it and I lift my voice to sing as often as possible as well. And though I love it, I can hear that it's not complete. I can't render those gaps in human music any longer - as I am physically incapable of it - but I can still recall them. It's a longing for something that can't be fulfilled. Music is more then just songs, though that is part of it. Music doesn't come solely from mankind and it doesn't always take form that's easy to see. There's a harmony in nature and life and if one listens, they'll hear it's song. Aspects like that come closer to what I've lost, but not fully. Though I fear far too few either have the ability or the patience to hear that. And I think back to the Break and realize how far the loss has really sunk - even after so much time.

Other beings? Hierarchies or ranks of angels or beings?
I think one of the hardest things is that there are so many who can, or feel they can, make claim to such a title. Which only confuses the remembered histories and the nature of such entities. I couldn't understand for a long time why so many laid claim to the word who had such different viewpoints then what I knew to be True. I believe part of the problem is that there were...generations for lack of a better term to angelic beings. The First were there are the Dawn. But after them came others. Those who bore different roles or places in existence. I think some were not so bound to the requirements of the open connection. Perhaps they were able to stay in the realms of earth after the Break. I can not say. I do think there are those who are "younger" and who came after that might therefore have a different vantage point or memory of their past.

I also think that myth and fantasy are a powerful thing. As such, it's not unheard of for someone to believe themselves to have (or have had) wings. For them to want to be special or powerful in a day and age where conformity is the way to excel. This is made more so when there's a resurgence of faerie tales and a rise in "New Age" practices and in angel everything - angel readings; angel stories; angel trinkets and such. People start to take it too far in their search for something, anything in the world that feels right. Echoes still of the legacy lost at the Break.

The Angelic/Celestial being and Free will
Always a topic of discussion when the word angel is battered around. So many people view angelic beings as little more then slaves. Bound to a never-ending servitude; powerless to resist the will of god lest they be punished and banished. I can't tell you how much that simply pisses me off. Being created for a purpose, for a role to fill is a beautiful thing. Teaching and helping and being a Voice isn't an indentured servitude. Being asked to serve is an honor and a privilege. Not something forced or made beholden to. The sheer concept of knowing your place in the universe and having that sense of pride and satisfaction that comes with it is beyond expression. How many people wander lost; their whole lives searching for a meaning or a reason? As one of the First, I never felt that. I never needed feel that fear. Being here and now, Incarnate and mortal, I feel it all the more deeply. For I know there is yet a reason for this life, though I can not reach the answer.

Good, Evil, Order and Chaos
Good and evil are words too limiting to accurately apply to the First, angelic beings in general, or even the Divine. I tend to use the terms Order and Chaos to better attempt to describe their role. There is an order to existence. Think of it like a tapestry. Those working for the Divine attempt to keep the tapestry woven straight and true to it's design. That weaving could be "good" events or "bad" events but the nature of the events is arbitrary. Maintaining the path and the order of the weaving so that it ultimately continues where it's meant to go is what matters.

Demons, Fallen Angels and related
So many people use these terms that they get muddled to the point of uselessness. But I would be remiss if I did not even address them. I view it as such: a demon is one who actively works against the Divine. To use the example above, a demon would be one who unravels or puts kinks and tears in the weaving. A "fallen" angel I view as one who is neutral. Who has stepped down in their role and no longer works for the Divine. This however, does not mean they work against the Divine. They neither help nor harm. (were they to actively harm, they would come under at least in title, under the "demon" label.) An angelic being is one who actively works for the Divine. Maintaining that order. Note that one need not be angelic to work for or against the Divine. Humanity and other beings can work for order or chaos and can cause ripples in the Tapestry.

The Physical, Incarnation and the present...
I don't believe there are many incarnated angelic beings; that the number would be very small indeed. Of that, I have met no other who is of the First, nor do I at this point, hold much faith to find any such who might be. I do know that there are some who did not endure the Break from the wrong side of the rift, and those who are my family can still manage small ways of getting through from time to time. I feel that we have come only a very small way in repairing the Break and that to truly have an effect, the world requires a physical presence in the world. Before the Break, it took thought, but now, as the two realms drift and ebb separate from each other, physical anchors are required. Such anchors act as fixtures and focal points to slowly rebuild links. I feel part of the reason for my Incarnation at this time after such a large slumber is the nature of that connection will someday - relatively soon - change once again. And that by being here, I can be such a beacon. I fear the direction it will change and the ways it will alter the world, though I do ultimately believe in the cycle of life, and have hope that these are mere dark days before the new dawn.

Part of being physical is accepting change. The change of life and of view. The change of power and knowledge. The change of perception and vantage. Yet a new form and a new viewpoint does not fully surrender the core of one's being. I am still me, though I am also the life I live now. It's an often difficult balance to achieve. There are often times where I feel out of sync with myself and the world around me. It can be very taxing. Additionally, the me of me requires additional support and efforts. There's more I need to attend to then merely the biological needs of this form.

The Divine Connection
Part of who I am transcends the physical. Though this is true in a generalized way for all life, it's specifically true in certain ways for me. Part of the problem is that just as I need to feed the body, I also need to feed the soul. The animating force has not changed simply because of my Incarnation; I am still connected to and a part of the Divine. As such, I need to recharge as it were by making a focused connection on a regular basis. The ways and means are unique to each. For me, I go out into a natural environment and use that as a conduit to make the larger connection to the Divine. It's hard. It takes effort. And it's not something that can be done in a rush. There is no fast-food equivalent for me when making that connection. Which makes it difficult as there's never enough time to dedicate to attend to my needs. Often times, therefore, I am running very low and at a lessened state from where I should be. I can hold it and store it much the way you fill your gas tank, but, much like a car, the "fuel" doesn't last forever. And having to conserve and scrimp prevents me from fully expressing myself on a regular basis. This leads to physical lethargy and illness as well. I would note that everyone has the ability to connect in some small way to Nature and to the Divine through that tiny bit within that is of the Divine. And that they can help cleanse and harmonize their own energy in a similar matter. Though the ability to do so differs from the need to do so. I would further note that this is not a form of psychic vampirism nor energy "theft" in that despite the requirement of the connection and the establishment of such an exchange, nothing is ever stolen nor taken. It is an exchange and a replenishing through Nature and the Divine itself. I never take from living things or people.

The purpose and well, why?
I've already touched on how I feel there is a need for physical anchors at this point in time. And that there is a shift to come - when, how or to what extent, I honestly do not know. As for the whys beyond that, I can't say. I've struggled with this knowledge and awareness my entire life, from first not knowing that it was abnormal, to turning away from it, to an anger for what I felt was a betrayal, to an understanding of need and pending change. I'm sure I'll still continue to grow and learn more as the years go forward. There's a world out there and while it honestly often frightens me, at it's best, there's glimmers of hope. I figure if there's still potential in a world as fucked up as this one's come to be, then I owe it nothing less then keeping my own personal hope alive for greater things to come.

As for why even write this or share it...? I don't know either. In many forms, my thoughts, experiences and memories have trickled out over the years. In poem, in writing, in story, online, etc. It's just been so long since I've sat and honestly compiled more of it and updates of it. For I've even changed over the years and as I've mentioned, so to has my own personal outlook. Things written years ago may have been how I felt then, but might not be how I feel now. It needed to be said. Not for ego or praise - because I worry about the spreading of information sometimes and how twisted it can be and how it can lead others to mistake and misunderstanding - but because it simply needed to be told. Maybe it's a small way to give back that glimmer of hope I see now and again. That it's not supposed to be bad; that we're out here in one form or another, struggling and fighting right along with you to see if we can't make things better. Because you're not alone. And no one should ever feel they are. We all get lonely - believe me when I say I understand this all too well; the physical is an isolated place - but it's not all darkened night. 

On that line, I think for now I'll end this here with something I wrote many years ago at a low period in my life when it seemed all was hopeless and lost. It helped me realize that things change; life moves through cycles of birth and death, but that that they never truly end.

In tragedy and despair,
when and endless night seems to have fallen;
Hope can be found in the realization
that the companion to night
is not another night;
that the companion to night
is day;
that darkness always gives way to light;
and that death rules only half of creation - 
life the other half.

article and poem copyright 2004, M. Turner, all rights reserved.

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